Marian Morris

marianmorris @ 2009-05-03T09:11:00

2009-05-03T14:14:20Z

So I had a really good time at the wedding. They were married by her brother and his sister, who got themselves ordained in order to officiate in Texas. Very sweet. Their vows were love letters to each other. Her ring was a wreath of flowers for her hair, and his ring was made out of meteorite.

marianmorris @ 2009-05-02T08:48:00

2009-05-02T13:49:35Z

...wow. year-and-a-half. looking through posts is funny. i've changed a bit since a couple of years ago. more tentative, much more tentative.

FB and weddings

2009-05-02T13:41:26Z

Two topics, one post.

I've been posting a lot on Facebook. I like it, because it makes me notice the small, fun, amusing little moments that go on, it brings my attention away from where I tend to dwell, in the deep and dark and serious. It's been a good exercise in cultivating a lighter side - finding something to say. Nothing profound, just something. Like learning how to chat. Or something.

Friends here at LJ tend to say that when they want to post something meatier, they do it here not at FB. I can see that. And I enjoy what I see and read here. The pics that riotclitshave posts are a highlight of my week, when I go to look at them. Mango-chango stories.

And both of them do make me feel more "connected" - except they also don't. More informed, maybe, and I think about those people fondly (although I've never actually met riotclitshave), but not connected, I guess....

........
So I'm going to another wedding today, my umpteenth. I'm very fond of my friend, and I'm very happy for her, and I intend to go whoop it up on her and her groom's behalf. And, I get sad after them too, for my own romantic toils and troubles. It's a brave thing, to get married. I admire the wide-open offer of intention to and expression of love. Go marrieds. =)

Giant Spider Web Engulfs State Park Trail

2007-08-31T03:05:04Z

http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/08/31/0831web.html

I don't know if it will work to post this link, but it's so cool I just gotta try.

post bloh

2007-03-14T22:17:57Z

i always enjoy the after-nausea moment so much. i am so grateful to just not be nauseous. ahh, perspective, and not having my entire body retching. thank you.

bloh

2007-03-14T14:47:56Z

food poisoning really, really sucks.

kites

2007-03-04T15:53:19Z

http://www.kitelife.com/videos/demo/bethell_promo.htm

2006 to 2007

2007-01-02T00:39:51Z

I'm in a good space, which is why this post is even happening, I realize.

Things I Am Still Struggling With:

Not feeling guilty for every good thing that happens to me.

Not believing that I am worthy of...whatever. A boyfriend, a house, my friends' time.

Figuring out how to do that dance of "i want to do these things for you (whoever you are), and I love that you want to do these things for me." Giving and receiving gracefully.

Keeping hope alive that a boyfriend will be found and then last. I want him, he wants me, we manage to communicate that and act on it somewhat gracefully for some period of time. Seems like a fuck of a lot to ask at the moment.

Getting up the oomph to send out a call for a housemate/laborer, which will simultaneously accomplish my desire to not live alone as well as help me get my house into shape.

Finally, that hesitation I always feel that is just so....unnecessary.

Things That Are Going Well:

I am going out swing dancing, by myself, and enjoying it. Several times. Holy shit.

I did a better job in 2006 of remembering how much exercise helps me, and it was less of a struggle than it's ever been to just go do it. I ran, I swam, I walked and hiked, I gardened, I painted a lotta ceiling.

Oh. Right. Bought a house. Once again, holy shit.

Job's good. Real good, I even get to do activism on the clock. Paid! Go Green Team!

Got into Austin co-counseling, and established some really nice counselors, and did some leadership stuff.

Had a lot of fun with Pallas, Teo and Rio, among others. Gained a tiny amount of confidence interacting with children.

Tried to date some men and have it not wreck me. It didn't! Yay. Bring 'em on, in the words of our illustrious village idiot. I shouldn't say that - I look forward to greater diplomacy and genuine companionship in the course of sensitively and thoughtfully negotiating a bilateral agreement with a romantic partner.

Made some girlfriends, yay.

Overall, established myself in Austin more successfully, in terms of happiness and "right livin'", as it were, than I anticipated. I am tempted to qualify this, but will refrain, in the interests of moving away from those self-doubting sorts of nasty habits.

Thank you to the universe, to my friends, and to my family, and even to those men I dated, for this year. I'm glad I moved back.

ergh

2006-10-04T02:59:27Z

oy.

so much. so little time.

moved in. lotsa counseling to help me deal with all the little ghosts chasing me around this house.

ACL: TV on the Radio. Brazilian girls. guster. ghostland observatory. calexico. raconteurs. flaming lips. willie drew the biggest crowd i've ever seen.

started working full time. i feel very mixed, but enjoy the work itself. they like me. it's nice to be liked.

santa cruz this weekend, housewarming next weekend.

a boy prospect? dare i even speak of it? that's all i'll say. must stay unattached. zen dating.

i like my house. i especially like my bedroom, which is mostly done.

i like my sister, and my niece, and my friends, and other family members, and the weather. i'm very happy i moved to austin. thanks for that push, sof.

more later

Reality Sinks In

2006-09-07T01:04:14Z

So I struggle with coming home and feeling 5 years old and like I've been sent to my room. I need to get over this. I am not 5. I chose this, and it's not punishment, and I am not alone, no matter how hard I try to make myself think I am.

Good stuff:

turning on the radio in the morning and listening to news and not worrying about waking anybody else up

watching mama play soccer from one end of the living room/kitchen/dining room to the other

my awesome bedroom, even partially completed

the oak tree in the front yard, and the beautiful tiny purslanes growing under it

lying in my bed reading, listening to the wind in the trees

hearing my phone ring, because it is inevitably for me!

balancing my checkbook and realizing i made it through my first month of paying a mortgage

watching it fill up with stuff and life

First Night, September 4, 2006

2006-09-04T13:53:56Z

I moved in, or rather, many good friends helped me move all my stuff over here yesterday, and I spent my first night. Mama too! It was an auspicious day - I lost my wallet getting gas, and found it, flattened a little more and in the middle of North Lamar, exactly where I'd left them. It rained, although not at my new house - but still, auspicious.

I've had two things in my head all week - Dixie Chicks' "White Trash Wedding", and "Thelma and Louise". So I sang it a whole bunch ("I shouldn't be wearing white, and you can't afford no ring"), and I re-watched T&L last night as my inaugural movie.

I think the last time I'd seen it was when it came out, 15 years ago, and I don't think I quite got it then, although I remember being really moved by it. Now, I can give it a meaning that I couldn't have given it then (being 20, relatively naive, and totally inexperienced), for myself - something about letting a part of me die, and that death being a release, a freedom from what I was taught would be my life - to marry young, have 1 husband, 1 house, 2 children, and whatever else that old societal (unspoken) contract was.

Instead there's this "outlaw" life (kinda silly to call it outlaw, 'cause I'm still such a good little girl), where I don't do what I was supposed to do, and it's uncomfortable but kinda thrilling, and it makes other folks uncomfortable, and I make it up as I go. And I wouldn't take back the part of me that died, even though I still mourn it sometimes. I like my life, overall. I loved aspects of California, especially my friends there. I'm really glad I moved back to Austin, I like my job, and I like this house. And I like this guy I'm seeing for only the second time ever, even knowing that the odds are against it working out, and that I may discover that no, he isn't someone I want to get seriously involved with.

So there. That's my big nose-thumbing to the world of convention. 35, single, no child from my loins, financially stable, house-buying-alone-not-communally, white middle class protestant-raised, what else?, chick. Lotsa good friends and a family, love it or leave it (I tried the leaving, it didn't really work, although I completely allow that it could have - I didn't want it to).

Welcome to my new house, online. I'll try to make a housewarming date soon.

Be My Neighbor!

2006-08-23T16:24:34Z

I think this is a great deal:

http://austinhomesearch.com/ahs/GetResults2New.aspx?id=122022&cp=1&ps=3&pf=-1&cat=&add=&st=0&oo=False

1310 square feet, 3bed/2bath, $120K. Central. Help me find a good neighbor! BE my good neighbor!

Synchronized Highway Driving, and My Joint Has Already Been Cased

2006-08-16T00:26:08Z

Context
Time: 5:30 PM
Temp: 101
Heat Index: 108
Location: IH-35 between 183 and Round Rock

Three cars. Three lanes. Same speed.....rgghhhhhrrrrgg

Road Rage.

On another note:
I think someone is looking in my house when I'm not there. I could be being paranoid, but.

Today, I came over, and there is (and has been) a broken chair on my front porch. It holds weight, but it's on its way out. It was left by the previous occupants. Today, it was sitting square in front of my door. I thought, hmm. definitely didn't leave it that way...

Possible reasons why it was there:

1. Someone wanted to sit on my front porch in front of my door.
2. Someone needed the spot on my front porch in which the chair had been sitting.
3. Someone wanted to peek in the windows of my front door, which are 6 feet plus off the ground.
4. Poltergeist. My house is built on a cemetery. They're theeeeeere.
5. Earthquake, very localized, bounced my chair over in front of the door.

See!? ..... I think someone cased the joint. I wonder if this alarm system thingy will scare 'em off.

hm.

marianmorris @ 2006-08-15T11:46:00

2006-08-15T18:24:52Z

So much has happened, and I can't keep up. I finally burned out, and have been reduced the last couple of evenings to watching DVDs. But I can feel myself rallying now.....

I think I may have found a great deal on my first chunk of flooring! I'm so excited. Here's what it looks like:

http://www.floorshop.com/laminate-flooring/alloc-flooring/home-flooring-planks/nordic-oak/store/sku.cfm?item_id=383113&item_id=383113

I think it's going to look really nice with my new green bedroom and white trim.

I say all this, and I am excited, but I also feel like a greedy little pig. I've been counseling about the idea that it's not complete moral bankruptcy to be excited about replacing flooring, but it's a little hard to hold on to in the moment. I gotta stop being so harsh. And the damn floor does NEED replacing. I mean need need. That carpet is toxic.

The other cool thing in life right now is hearing from Santa Cruz friends that i haven't spoken to in, like, a year. Jason just got back from South Africa, and talking to him just brought me right back, to Hebard, but also to the idea of going there - to Sudan. Or maybe to South Africa. Jason talked it up pretty good.

Hiroe was the other long lost friend. I thought she had stopped speaking to me, for moving away. I was so relieved to hear from her.

marianmorris @ 2006-08-10T22:23:00

2006-08-11T03:24:59Z

I spackled naked. It was awesome.

marianmorris @ 2006-08-10T09:35:00

2006-08-10T14:35:30Z

I am an auntie.

Pallas had tubes put in her ears this morning, because she gets about an infection a month, and it's a big bummer.

My sister called me a few minutes ago, said it all went smoothly (big sigh of relief). Pallas said hi into the phone, and this wave of relief? held-in-check anxiety? gratitude? washed over me, hearing that little one-syllable chirp from her, fine as ever. Michelle said Pallas was not phased, not a bit.

Sheesh

drunk

2006-08-10T00:24:24Z

well, not drunk, but i had a bottle of pear cider and then a glass of wine with dinner. i really go back and forth about whether it makes sense, on a larger, more general level, to drink alcohol. sometimes it deflates me for a while afterward, sometimes it doesn't seem to have an effect much beyond when i feel drunk.....

it made me think about how buying a house makes me think about dying someday and not being in it any more. it's not an entirely sad thought; it's sad, and then, i just get this picture of how transient and perfect everything is, and how great it all is.

and then, i have a lot of fun going "yes yes yes yes" when rio goes "no no no no", and then "yes yes YES yes yes" when he goes " no no NO no no". and teo and i compare stomachs, and then he starts making loud noises popping packaging material and i close my door. it's all just very perfect.

i think i'm in love with a house.

marianmorris @ 2006-08-06T22:25:00

2006-08-07T03:35:30Z

Friends are awesome.

Yesterday my dad and Nancy came over. Dad did windows. Nancy cleaned my stovetop of what appeared to be 4 years of grease.

It took me a few minutes of visualizing/remembering how weatherstripping works before I got up the nerve to try "installing" some. Perfect. Yay.

Karen came over and we spackled. Spackling is underrated. Something about filling holes.....

It's also really nice to have small people running around and playing in the background. Also got to have my first experience of having a dog friend over. That will be happening more often.

You know, when I was researching this place, I was all concerned about crime in the area, and soon had to readjust my prejudiced little brain when it became apparent that, while there are some criminal activities in the area I should know of and be proactive about, it has been just as likely that something would have befallen or will befall me in my current home - like getting my bag of workout clothes taken out of my car when I left it open Friday night. Goodbye, $90 running shoes. Goodbye, new swimsuits I got for $15 at Academy. Goodbye, my almost-full bottle of special sunblock I can only get in Santa Cruz. Goodbye goggles.

....I was complaining about my two swimsuit tops anyway. Just as well.

embarcation

2006-08-06T13:14:52Z

Buried the possum. It is really amazing how quickly maggots work. Hopefully it will stay buried.

Got rid of LOTS of trash, thank you Dave Blumenthal and his kids for being so patient.

Changed the locks.

Bought lotsa stuff: step ladder, window screening stuff, paint stuff.

Bought paint, and all of it is all wrong, the light stuff's too light and the dark too dark. So I'm starting over with some leftovers of my aunt's. My aim today is to get well into painting the ceilings, after dusting and some spot washing. And possibly get a good color decided for my bedroom.

Now begins trolling the lists for free stuff I need.

open house

2006-08-05T12:28:04Z

OK, I'm slowly cranking up on doing this house thing. Today, I shall bury the possum. And the locksmith is coming.

Please come visit and chat between 8 and noon if you would like, and if you really, really want to, you can bring a pair of gloves (eventually, I will have extras, but not right now) and help pick up garbage from my back yard. But mostly I just like visitors, and would be happy to have you chat with me and watch.

Once again, just in case:
402 Delmar Avenue

South of 183
West of I-35
north of St. Johns, off Duval Street
east of Guadalupe

cell 785-2057 call me and make sure I'm there

to change or not to change

2006-07-28T03:30:19Z

Should I change the locks on my house? One of the recommended steps in my home-buying paperwork....

I decided yes, mainly because I knew that if I didn't, I would sit there, showering, and wonder: does someone else I don't know have a key to this house?

So much for trusting that the world is benign. Well, i do actually think it's benign, but still. people get confused, they want to come in your house when you don't necessarily want them to come in your house.....

House photos (thank you, Sofia, and thank you, Dave):

http://real.oddfriday.com/Photo%20Album/Friends/New%20Houses/Marian%27s%20House/index.html

yearly post

2006-07-27T03:38:44Z

closing friday. eek. really started freaking out, and then it got postponed. so i ate, and went to the library, and did really mellow calming relaxing things, like finding comfort books (which are less fattening than comfort food, although still not like going out and swimming). planned dinner for tomorrow, except that i think it's turning into dinner for celebrating my house closing friday. come see!

i think part of the problem here is that i keep thinking i need to share things that i wouldn't normally share even one-on-one - my limited imagination. having perused other's LJs i now understand that this gets to be whatever i want. funny how i need permission. ha. ha.

Starting

2004-04-11T21:05:24Z

Hi Sof, I'm on. You're right, I feel naked. Love, Marian